3rd Group

A few weeks ago, we tried our third group. The first group was cancelled, and I was the only one that showed up, the second was for people who loss a child at any age.  Both were not the fit that Amanda and I were looking for, and we were almost ready to give up on group.

We walked into this group, and right away I felt like this was the correct group.  There was dad's there, who are feeling what I am feeling.  Mom's there that were sharing their stories.  It was great, in the saddest way. We all cried from each other's stories, and we laughed, swore at the "normals".  For the first time, I felt like my old self, for the few hours we were all sitting around talking to each other.  Since we all had invisible marks on from our sad journey in life, it didn't define us there.  It was our strength.

Making our way through week 9.

Funeral

Monday Amanda got a phone call from her Dad saying that Amanda's Great Grandma has died.  She was 101 years old, and had a full live of love, happiness and loss.  This woman helped her children with everything life had to offer, the good and bad.

Amanda's Great Grandma was Catholic, so she had a Mass ceremony to lay honor her life.  I grew up Catholic also, so I knew what everything represented, and hit home.  When the reader was praying for those who have perished in Hazel's family, I lost it.  Tears were gushing down and I was screaming at God.  How much of a bastard/coward/narcissist/ he is. Screamed how much I hated him, and how much he owes me for taking away my son before he had a chance to live.  I was screaming so hard at him that if I was actually yelling I would have loss my voice for multiple days.   When I started to scream I felt like there was no one else was in the church besides me and god.  Everyone has just disappeared, however I made the mistake of sitting in the middle of the pew, so I was unable to leave. I probably went on for ten minutes of just screaming at him.  I went mono e mono with God, I attacked him in every way I could.  HOW IN GODS NAME COULD HE TAKE MY SON AWAY FROM ME???? By the time communion came around, I was balling.  My eyes were puffy, rivers coming from my eyes, I couldn't handle being in the church any more.  I told Amanda, that I need a break and I will be back in a few minutes.  I went outside and took a walk down the side of the church.  There was this sense of calm that came over me that I have never felt before.  I knew he heard everything I said, and he was there to comfort me.  

I will be the first person to say that I am not a super religious person, I have my doubts about religion, and how it is set up.  But I do believe in God, and I do believe that he was there with me, and he was there to tell me that he was listening.  

8 Weeks 2 days