Funeral

Monday Amanda got a phone call from her Dad saying that Amanda's Great Grandma has died.  She was 101 years old, and had a full live of love, happiness and loss.  This woman helped her children with everything life had to offer, the good and bad.

Amanda's Great Grandma was Catholic, so she had a Mass ceremony to lay honor her life.  I grew up Catholic also, so I knew what everything represented, and hit home.  When the reader was praying for those who have perished in Hazel's family, I lost it.  Tears were gushing down and I was screaming at God.  How much of a bastard/coward/narcissist/ he is. Screamed how much I hated him, and how much he owes me for taking away my son before he had a chance to live.  I was screaming so hard at him that if I was actually yelling I would have loss my voice for multiple days.   When I started to scream I felt like there was no one else was in the church besides me and god.  Everyone has just disappeared, however I made the mistake of sitting in the middle of the pew, so I was unable to leave. I probably went on for ten minutes of just screaming at him.  I went mono e mono with God, I attacked him in every way I could.  HOW IN GODS NAME COULD HE TAKE MY SON AWAY FROM ME???? By the time communion came around, I was balling.  My eyes were puffy, rivers coming from my eyes, I couldn't handle being in the church any more.  I told Amanda, that I need a break and I will be back in a few minutes.  I went outside and took a walk down the side of the church.  There was this sense of calm that came over me that I have never felt before.  I knew he heard everything I said, and he was there to comfort me.  

I will be the first person to say that I am not a super religious person, I have my doubts about religion, and how it is set up.  But I do believe in God, and I do believe that he was there with me, and he was there to tell me that he was listening.  

8 Weeks 2 days