April

I am having huge anxiety over the month of April.  I get extremely tense, and agitated just thinking about the month.  I do not want Wednesday to come.   I am afraid for the month to come, afraid for the month to end. It will be an extremely brutal month in our household for Amanda and I.

In a few days, some of our best friends are having their baby.  We are extremely happy, and over the moon for them.  However, it comes during the time that we are supposed to have our child 3 weeks later.  I am nervous about this baby being born.  I am nervous for the couple, for the baby, and most of all I am nervous for Amanda and I not to take our grief and anxiety out on them over their healthy baby.  This will be a major hurdle for us to get through during our grieving process.

I am also have high anxiety over April 27th. Our due date.  The day Johnathan Paul was supposed to come into this world.  The day where Amanda and I were to celebrate life, celebrate our love for one another, and celebrate our son Johnathan.  Instead, Amanda and I won't be celebrating at all, we will be grieving that day.  These next few days, weeks and months will be by far the hardest to get through.

If I could have 2 wishes, my first one would be of course to have my healthy son back with us, but if I couldn't have that, my second wish would be to get through the next few months without having too low of lows.

7 weeks, 6 days.