Group

Today has been five weeks since Johnathan was born, and over the past five weeks I have learned things, and learned to let go of other things.  I have to believe that Johnathan has helped me with both.

Tonight was supposed to be the first night of group.  I text Amanda earlier today to see what time it was, and if she wanted to go or not.  She said it was going to be at 6:30, and that she didn't want to go.  Not that she didn't want to go, but she had plans to meet up with a few of her friends for dinner, and that she wouldn't be able to go back to this group for a few months because of class. I decided to go by myself.

I wanted to go, even with out Amanda, because I have been feeling like the outcast and wanted to know that we are not alone in this.   I am having a hard time relating to others, others who haven't experience true loss.  That there are others out there that are in the same situation that Amanda and I have.

Before I left home, I ran upstairs and grabbed the little people car that my Step dad, Terry, bought him in the hospital, and that we keep next to his urn.

I needed to have something/someone there to get me through the first few minutes of group. I needed to have my son with me, and this was the only way I knew he would be with me.

I head to the hospital where the meeting is being held.  It was a different hospital than the one where we had Johnathan, so it gave me some relief that I didn't have to drive the way we drove to see Johnathan during the hospital visits.  I parked in a parking spot, and walked into the hospital.  I am extremely tense, playing with one of the tires of the car I brought, as this is the first time I am going to talk about my son to complete strangers, and I am by myself.

When I walked inside the front desk lady asked "Can I help you?"

I grab my phone and asked "Where is the conference room is on level five?"

She told me that there is no meeting in that room tonight, what meeting are you looking for, and I told her.  She said it was cancelled and that it should be back next month.

In a way, I was relieved that I didn't have to go to the first meeting alone, but at the same time, I just wanted to cry because I needed it.  I needed to feel connect to my son, I needed to know that my wife and I are not the only one's who have been in this situation.  I just needed the meeting.

Today is day 37.
Today is the start of week 5.