God

Over the past few days, I have been wrestling with a typic that not everyone can relate.  I don't know if I am now at the angry stage of grief, but I am pissed, and I am pissed at God.

I know that this is a loaded phrase, but after last weekend of writing out our Thank you cards and re-reading some of the cards and gifts we received from the funeral, God is an asshole.  A lot of the cards said something about how "I hope you find peace in God, and his love."  I am calling bull shit.

I don't want to offend anyone with this post, and everyone has a different relationship with god, as we all should.  But if God is really so loving and wants the best for us, why does he give people so much pain?  Why does he hurt  his "followers" so much, and demand nothing but love and respect back?  What about his accountability?  What about his love and respect towards us?  If he is so loving, he needs to be accountable for his actions.  He needs to be accountable to me and Amanda.  Above all he needs to be accountable to my son Johnathan, and why he couldn't have a long and happy life here with us on earth.

I believe that there is something bigger then what is here on earth, and that we go someplace after our time here.  I do believe that there is some type of God.  But I also believe in accountability. I believe that if God is all loving, and really wants the best for us here on earth, then he must not be as loving as everyone talks about. He needs to be accountable, just like I have accountability to my wife, family, friends, and to him.

How does someone, who lost a child before the child had a chance to live, find "peace and love" in God?  God has been nothing but cruel, selfish, allows this much pain. I'll say it again, I am pissed at God, and he as a lot of explaining to do.

Today is day 33.