April

I am having huge anxiety over the month of April.  I get extremely tense, and agitated just thinking about the month.  I do not want Wednesday to come.   I am afraid for the month to come, afraid for the month to end. It will be an extremely brutal month in our household for Amanda and I.

In a few days, some of our best friends are having their baby.  We are extremely happy, and over the moon for them.  However, it comes during the time that we are supposed to have our child 3 weeks later.  I am nervous about this baby being born.  I am nervous for the couple, for the baby, and most of all I am nervous for Amanda and I not to take our grief and anxiety out on them over their healthy baby.  This will be a major hurdle for us to get through during our grieving process.

I am also have high anxiety over April 27th. Our due date.  The day Johnathan Paul was supposed to come into this world.  The day where Amanda and I were to celebrate life, celebrate our love for one another, and celebrate our son Johnathan.  Instead, Amanda and I won't be celebrating at all, we will be grieving that day.  These next few days, weeks and months will be by far the hardest to get through.

If I could have 2 wishes, my first one would be of course to have my healthy son back with us, but if I couldn't have that, my second wish would be to get through the next few months without having too low of lows.

7 weeks, 6 days.

Time of our Lives

There is a popular song that plays on the radio all the time.  The song is called Time of our Lives, by Pitbull ft. Ne-yo.  The song is about not caring for a night, and to have the time of your life.  It is a catchy song, that I enjoy, for the most part.  At 3:10 in the song, Pitbull sings "Everyday above ground is a great day, remember that."  When this part of the song comes on, I find myself turning the station.  I don't know if I agree with this.  Every day above ground, I am not with my son.  I am reminded that I won't see my son grow up.

Group - 2nd try

A few weeks ago, I tried going to a support group.  I built myself up to go for almost a week, and when I was turned away at the door, I felt more lost and helpless than anything.  It crushed me, as I needed to know that Amanda and I were not the only ones that loss a baby.  

This past weekend, Amanda and I had a few conversations about trying another support group.  This group specialized in loss of a child.  Both Amanda and I had our reservations about going, since we didn't know if we would fit in.  Especially since we loss our child during pregnancy, and not later on in life.  

We decided to go, and Amanda and I were the youngest people there by far.  We were greeted by a really nice lady, and said that it doesn't matter if you loss your child during pregnancy or when they were in there 90's, a loss is a loss.  At this point, I knew we were the only couple there that loss their child during pregnancy, and I again felt like Amanda and I were the only one's in the world that have loss a child in pregnancy.  

We sat down around a big table, and on the opposite side of the table, people started to say their name and who they loss.  The first person said his name, and that he loss two kids, one to cancer (in her 30s), and the other was murdered (in his 20s).  My jaw dropped.  I grabbed onto Amanda's hand and listen to the rest of their stories.  The whole time we were there, I tried to hard not to dismiss their feelings and losses, but I thought, at least you had time with them.  You had X amount of years with your child.  I had my child in my arms for for 30 hours, and for those 30 hours, he was not here with me. 30 hours not years.  I did not see him open his eyes, cry, walk, run, etc.  I started to get angry with these people who had these experiences and still upset that they loss their children. I tried to relate with them, and validate their losses, because it is a loss for them. Needless to say, I don't think this group was for me/us.  

After the formal meeting, Amanda and I started to grab our coats to leave.  We turn around and there was a lady that came out of nowhere to talk with us.  She wanted to let us know that she loss a son at 7 months, and that she knows what we were going through.  She also wanted to let us know that she was a grief nurse, at a local hospital around here, and she knew that we didn't find the right fit with this group.  She recommended another group that meets in a few weeks, that Amanda and I have decided to go visit.  

I felt like Johnathan sent her to us, to let us know that we will find the right group for us, and that he is always around to help us through our grief.  

Today is day 50

7 weeks. 

Do you have children?

It was the Saturday before Johnathan's funeral, and I needed a hair cut.  I got up early, to go to Great Clips, so when we were done we can run errands for the funeral.  There was about a 20 minute wait, which was no big deal especially on a weekend.

Finally, my name was called and the stylist and I went to the next open chair.  The stylist that called my name, was barely out of high school, and I'm 98% sure he was hungover.  As most of stylist do, they make small talk.  It was innocent enough, we talked about the winter, and the holiday season, and what we were doing this weekend.  Inside I am falling apart, as I am there to get my hair cut for my child's funeral.   But I remember saying to myself this is easy enough, I can make it through this hair cut.

Then the dreaded question came.  "Do you have any kids?" My first thought was to get up out of the chair and walk out.  I don't care how my head looks, I don't need this line of questioning.  How dare this 18 year old drunk kid ask me if I had any children.  This is not an appropriate question to be asking anyone.

My mind is racing through many thoughts, and I needed more time to think about this question.  I asked him to repeat the question in hopes he asked a different question or if he did really ask that question I can come up with an answer in the the next few seconds.

I did not prepare myself to answer this question.  How are you supposed to prepare?  Your child just died a few days ago, you are there to get a hair cut for the funeral.  I panicked and said "no."  A major decision I now regret.  I do have a son, I do love him with my whole heart, and I do hope he forgives me for the moment of panic I had.

Today is day 44
6 Weeks 1 Day

1 in 160

When Amanda and I had a moment, we did what most people do, and researched about stillbirth, and researched what we could about Johnathan's symptoms.  Our google search, was filled up with blogs and various searches on stillbirths.  There is one stat that we found that just blows my mind, 1 in 160 births are stillbirths.  How in the hell can we allow this many births to end up in still?  How is the number acceptable in the medical community?  How is ok that with all of the medical advances out there, we were unable to do anything besides have more intake of protein, we couldn't do anything for our son Johnathan?  I know that people do not line up, and if you are 160th couple, your child just doesn't become still, I am not an irrational person.  My son did not deserve to be born still, he deserved to have a full life, with his first time crawling, walking, running, first day of school, first dance, first girlfriend, first heart break, college, wedding, kids of his own.  He deserved to have a full life, not being taken away before he had the chance to live.  How did my wife and I end up on the 160th birth?  How did we end up with the shit straw?

Today is day 42

Today is the start of week 6 

What is happening?

Today, I was re-reading my post from yesterday,  and I realized that I didn't put how many days it has been since Johnathan was born!  What does this mean?  I don't want to forget the days. I hurried and recounted the days on my calendar. 41 days.  Have I forgotten, am I loosing him?

I somehow feel like I am loosing him, loosing the memory, because I didn't remember the days since that day? I know this is childish, and irrational but, how could I do this, how could I have lost count of the days? Does this mean that I need to start to count weeks?  I know that one, tomorrow 6 weeks. 6 weeks, that should have been the best sleepless nights of my life.  Not 6 weeks of hardship, horror and complete sadness.

41 days.  6 weeks tomorrow.

I'll Love You Forever

When we were in the hospital, I read, re-read over and over again I'll love you forever, by Robert Munsch.  It is one thing I knew right away that I wanted to do to build memories with Johnathan when we found out about the issues he is fighting that day in December.  It was a book from my childhood, and I felt like I needed to let him know that I would love him forever, and like him for always.  

There is a song in the book that goes "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."  I found that fitting for Johnathan.  In the coming days after the his death, my sister made us a beautiful paddle with his feet and the song on it.  It sits in our living room next to our fireplace.  

A few weeks ago, a buddy from high school asked me if I was going to get a tattoo with Johnathan's name on it.  I have never thought about it, and I didn't know if I wanted to have a name on my body. I could not shake the thought, andI knew it was good way to honor my son. I  have never wanted a name on my body but I thought a quote is a great idea.  I do have 2 other tattoos, and new I wanted a third, but since my second one didn't turn out the way I wanted to do it, I was nervous.  

When it comes to tattoos, there are 2 rules that I should follow, first, don't get names, and second is to wait a year and if you still wanted it after a year, than you should get it.  When we first lost Johnathan, I remember reading somewhere that you need to wait at least a year before making any life changing decisions, like a new job, moving, tattoos etc.  I broke not only one of my rules but a grieving rule as well.  But I knew what I wanted, and I didn't want to wait a year for it. 

One of my co-workers husband works/owns his own shop somewhere around Milwaukee, I just didn't know where.  He is a well known (across the United States) tattoo artist.  Jim Francis was on season 4 of Ink Master.  I was asking my co-workers some questions about him, and if he had any opening in the next year, thinking he was booked for a long time as he is a well known artist.  (for the record I found out that he was booked for the next month or so). Ten minutes later I get an email from her and said he can fit you in on Saturday.  

This was only Wednesday I had 3 days to figure out where I wanted my tattoo.  I knew the quote, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. "  But I didn't know where.  I discussed a few different areas where I wanted this tattoo with Amanda and my friend Tyler, I felt the most comfortable with the front of my right shoulder. 

I ended it there as I wasn't sure if I wanted the whole quote or not, and I can decide if I want "As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be" at a later date.  I am extremely happy with my new tattoo, and the way I decided to honor my son. 

Back to the I'll love you forever book,  my wife and I have been seeing a councilor/therapist/life coach and she did some research on this book, as she has never heard the book before.  She came across this website where the author describes how he came up with the idea of the book.  He writes, 

"I made that up after my wife and I had two babies born dead.  The song was my song to my dead babies.  For a long time I had it in my head and I couldn’t even sing it because every time I tried to sing it I cried.  It was very strange having a song in my head that I couldn’t sing.

For a long time it was just a song, but one day, while telling stories at a big theater at the University of Guelph, it occurred to me that I might be able to make a story around the song.

Out popped Love You Forever pretty much the way it is in the book. "

I was extremely surprised the author wrote the book about his children that has passed.   It makes the quote that I got that much more important to me, as it came from the same place, pain, fear, love and passion I have for my son.  

Here is the website that she found it from:

http://www.lifenews.com/2014/03/05/ill-love-you-forever-ill-like-you-for-always-the-surprising-story-behind-the-book/